I AM SPO RSS

My name is Shannon O'Neill. I am a writer/performer at the UCB Theatre in NY. Follow me home or on twitter @spotastic

Archive

Aug
31st
Sun
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This Big Fat Fuck gave birth to me.

This Big Fat Fuck gave birth to me.

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This woman gave birth to me.

This woman gave birth to me.

Aug
29th
Fri
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THIS MAN LOCKED ME INSIDE HIS CAB.

Fuck this man. Fuck him so hard in the fucking face that his brain dies.

A long day of work and play and it was time to go home, so I was treating myself to a cab. One of the new Nissan Future Taxis picked me up. These things are spacious, but also have a very high separation wall, so you really don’t get a good view of the driver.  I told the cab driver to take me to Queens via the Midtown tunnel. We arrived at my destination, which is always across the street from my apartment building. I have never felt comfortable letting a cab driver know where I live. I paid the fair with a credit card. The driver told me I still owed him for the toll. I told him I have never paid separately for a toll before. He told me to wait a minute, but I did not see him doing anything, the separation wall is high.  I told him he should have added it in, I already paid the fare. He told me to wait a minute. I was feeling very uncomfortable and his behavior was feeling shady. I went to open the door and it was locked. I told him to unlock the door. He told me to wait a minute. I got LOUD and told him to unlock the door. He told me to wait a minute. I threatened to call the cops twice or more before he finally unlocked the door. I got out and walked the opposite direction. The Cab Driver got out, I turned around and he was pulling his unzipped pants up as he came around to the back of the cab. I yelled some things at him about jerking off that I can’t quite remember. They were not witty or clever, they were freaked out and coming from a place of shock.  He told me he was having me banished or some shit and was pointing to the sky.  I stepped into the street to take a photo of the license and he blocked the license plate.  My body started shaking realizing what was happening. Something I can’t prove.  But I will say it. This pile of garbage was keeping me locked inside his cab so he could jerk off with me in there. God knows if he had any other plans. I started officially walking away and called my husband and could barely get the words out. I started shaking and had to think really hard to get my body to move towards my building. Thankfully there is a median on the street I live on, so the Cab Driver could not make a U-turn and follow me. I made it to my buildings driveway and froze, a few minutes later, from a safe distance.  I saw the cab driver pass. My husband found me shivering and crying, frozen in place.

I have no proof is limp dick was in his hands while I was in the cab.

I can’t prove the door was locked and he refused to let me out.

I can and did dispute the charges on my credit card.

I can and did file a complaint with T & L commission.

If I ever take a cab again, I guess my first move is to always take a photo of their license and request the doors remain wide open while I am driven home.

FUCK THIS CAB DRIVER. 

FUCK HIM IN THE FACE UNTIL HIS BRAIN DIES.

Aug
28th
Thu
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I first saw this Abbot & Costello sketch when I was in middle school. It blew my mind. It was my first lesson in bullshitting and justification.

For some reason I woke up this morning thinking about it.

Damn I love it. So Good.

Aug
23rd
Sat
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#Repost from @phebeastproductions with @repostapp

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You’re going to want to watch this video when it drops in September. @ucb1news @ucbcomedy

#Repost from @phebeastproductions with @repostapp —- You’re going to want to watch this video when it drops in September. @ucb1news @ucbcomedy

Aug
17th
Sun
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The best Ice Water Challenge I’ve seen.

Aug
15th
Fri
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ucbcomedy:

Is the Gathering of the Juggalos appropriate for UCB1 correspondent Shannon O’Neill’s son? These Juggalos seem to think the biggest obstacle he’ll face his dehydration, but Shannon has some other concerns. 

Drink every time you hear the word “Pussy”

Aug
6th
Wed
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My first black eye! #basketball

My first black eye! #basketball

Aug
4th
Mon
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ucbcomedy:

Take a trip through time in this new short film from Also Also. It’s cringeworthy in the best possible way. 

Did you know I made a porno when I was younger?

Jul
26th
Sat
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#Repost from @laurenkahn with @repostapp

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UCB1’s first Faygos! #ucb1woop #gotj2014

#Repost from @laurenkahn with @repostapp —- UCB1’s first Faygos! #ucb1woop #gotj2014